Tick Tock Goes My Biological Clock
Three kids. A house. A dog. A picket fence (or at least a doorman). These are all things that at the age of 19 I said I would have by age 26. Three kids was my minimum and having them was my one and only goal on life. At that time I measured my worth by my ability to conceive and parent multiple children. My ambition was solely to have my eggs fertilized and be a mom. All i wanted was to create life. You get the point. Me, children. Thats what I wanted. Yes I wanted a career, but life choices and circumstances got in the way of that. Yes I wanted to experience the world, but again my choices and circumstances made that quite impossible. The one desire that remained constant was having a child.
Here's the thing...to have a child you need a partner (or so i told myself back then) and I didn't have one. I also didn't have a real adult job or my own place. I’m sure many of you can relate, but I'm Hispanic and in our families having a baby while you’re in your parents house and jobless isnt really a thing for celebration. It’s more of a topic for the round table of judgment. On the flipside of that, the older you get the more it's expected of you to have a kid.
As time passed and I grew up I started to really figure myself out. I matured and put my feet on the ground. I started to realize that not only did I need a career, but I wanted one. Badly. I still wanted a baby. Just, now there were other things I started to want, quite possibly more than creating a tiny human. Even with all this I still told myself having a baby was the one thing that would give me pure happiness. Then I met someone. She also wanted a baby. So there goes my maternal desire once again. So yeah, we wanted a baby, yet we had no real jobs, no financial stability or a semblance of security to offer a baby. But I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
Fast forward 3 years.My life is finally making some headway. Things are falling into place. I know myself and what I want more than I ever have before and I’m teetering on the edge of 30. The one thing I have always wanted is the one thing I don’t have and the thing is…..I am not quite so sure it is at the top of my list anymore. How did I manage to go from baby crazy to quite possibly a child-less cat lady? I discovered passion and my bucket list got longer, as did my to-do list. As that list grew, having a child got pushed to the bottom and without question it no longer is a priority. Now my need to travel the world is greater. As is my need to learn and accomplish things that I did not even know I wanted. Now having a baby is something that I am not sure I need to do anymore, let alone want. The more I grow, the more I push that idea away. Sure I want to build a family. But can't that family wait till I’m 40? I mean I’m totally okay with having a geriatric womb or what have you.
Bottom line is this….my biological clock might be ticking but I’m taking out the batteries. The only thing I want to be creating right now is memories….and not any that include 3am feedings and dirty diapers….and I am okay with that.